The plane trip back sucked. From PR to Ft. Lauderdale we had the plane from hell. Rude/Annoying guy to the left, coughing people behind us, crying baby, kid who was playing rap music on his laptop with no headphones in. Sucked so much ass.

We grabbed a connecting flight from Lauderdale to Orlando and then it was back to Ocala. Home safe home.

The trip was definitely an experience and I don’t know if I will ever “get” vacations. Perhaps it was the emotional stress of fighting with the person I had gone with but I can’t help but think that I would have rather spent the $800 on something else. Maybe it is just my practical side…I don’t know. It was beautiful and I’m happy I went…but at the same time it wasn’t amazing for me. Maybe I’m just to phlegmatic.

The Bacardi Factory was surprisingly interesting.  After sitting around for a little while, we…along with the other touristas…boarding a Disneyland looking trolley thing (think how you get from the lot to Disney)…drove about 300 feet…and were dropped off at the entrance to the tour. Um yea.

The tour comprised of several differenct sections that expounded on everything from the history of Bacardi Rum to the final room in which we were shown how to make various drinks. I found the history of the company very interesting and enjoyed looking through a number of the historical items that were on premises.

Following the tour, we headed to the ferry which would take us across the bay to Old San Juan once again. The ferry hauled ass…I’ll give it that…and after about 10 minutes we were in Old San Juan. Apparently no cruise ships were docking this evening so there were not nearly as many local vendors as the previous evening. We decided to try another restaurant in the area and chose poorly. Genesis Restaurant in Old San Juan has the only BAD food I have ever tasted during our trip. Food every place else was fresh and wonderful. This place…we figured out too late…was aimed at drunk tourists who did not know they were getting chicken in a can.

After walking around for a little bit and taking some photos, we hopped back on the ferry, jumped in the car, and headed back to the hotel. I have to admit I was very tempted to order Taco Bell in Puerto Rico as it just struck me funny to do so. We ended up grabbing Wendy’s instead.

The next day was Thanksgiving so we tried to get to bed early as we knew we had a flight to catch back to the US.

One more note about Puerto Rico…they are famous for a little frog called a Coqui which when it vocalizes…sounds like it is saying “Coqui”. They are loud as heck but do a fantastic job of taking care of insects. We left our hotel balcony open all day and all night and never saw one bug!

Trying to continue my “spirit of being local” from the previous evening. I decided to taste a local soda called Malta Polar. Basically this is a carbonated chocolate malt beverage popular in the islands. I figured at the least it would taste like Chocolate Malt Balls. Big mistake…boiled rhino taint is a more apt description for the horror my taste buds transmitted to my brain. That being said…I was not going to be denied. It took me the rest of the day but I finished the can without throwing up.

We headed down to the beach and the Sun. The entire complex was beautiful. Trish had done a wonderful job of finding this hotel. Multiple pools, hot tubs, and of course the private cove/beach.

The beach was some of the nicest sand I have seen outside of Clearwater Beach. Very soft and it just felt good to walk on. The water wasn’t crystal clear but it was clear enough. Much of the beach was surrounded by rocky out croppings and the like that we spent time exploring. It was very beautiful.

We spent most of the day on the beach and took a nap and decided to visit Old San Juan in the evening. Old San Juan is the “historic” part of the capital city full of buildings, forts, etc. There is also an area where many cruise ships stop at port and the passengers disembark and explore. So there are many bars, clubs, restaurants, and touristy places as well.

This evening we stopped by one of the major forts of the island and wandered around. It was just beginning to turn to dusk and overlooking Old San Juan from the fort walls as it began to light up was beautiful. We also enjoyed a show at the fort showcasing local music and dancing before rain sent us in search of cover.

We headed a few blocks over to the restaurant/shop/club area. There were many vendor stands setup in the squares selling everything from hand rolled cigars to knick-knacks to wandering turistas. I blasphemed a nativity scene by a large statue of Christopher Columbus. After walking around for a bit, we chose a nice looking restaurant for dinner. While the portions were on the small side, the Churrasco was the best I’ve ever had. I can say one thing…I would be a total fat ass if I lived in Puerto Rico…the food is wonderful!

After dinner and a little more walking around, we headed back to the hotel where we fell asleep listening to the beach with the balcony doors open.

Some people may find this disturbing but I’ve never taken an honest-to-God vacation in my adult life. I think this is a bit misleading for most people since I don’t live the 9-5, structured life that most do. If I want to work out in the middle of the day, I do. If I don’t feel like working one day, I don’t. However, I had never taken a real vacation.

The girl I have been dating the last few months LIVES for vacations and loves to travel. She was horrified to learn I just never “go places” and asked if I would take a vacation with her. I was a bit worried about this because to me we are still in the “figuring out” stage and there are some big differences between us. In all honesty, we were “disagreeing” the entire week leading up to and on several occasions during the trip. For now things have settled down but we will see.

Regardless, she asked if I would trust her to plan a trip within a certain budget and I said yes. I did not know where we were going as it was supposed to be a surprise. Our destination ended up being Puerto Rico.

The day of departure we left Ocala and headed to Orlando and started to experience quite a bit of trouble with my travel planners expedition. However we did make it to the airport. My companion reacted poorly to my usual phlegmatic reactions to things and I almost did not get on the plane things were so tense between us. Apparently she wanted someone who would be overjoyed about going on vacation and I was like, “ok…cool”.

The plane trip was fine and we landed safely in Puerto Rico after about a 3 hour flight where the adventures began. If I go on trips, I’m a planner. The girl I’m dating is not and actually left our car rental papers back in Orlando. We apparently had booked a vehicle through Charlie, which is Puerto Rico Car Rental Agency all over the island. This made my laugh hysterically as all I could think of was the Charlie the Unicorn cartoons (go to youtube if you do not know what I’m talking about).

Eventually I looked up a number on the trusty iphone and they told us Charlie was the same as Hertz. So we took the Hertz bus to the Hertz Station only to find out they were not Charlie. After about an hour of wasted time and Charlie not showing up despite repeated phone calls, my companion decided in a fit of anger to start walking down the road to the airport. Luckily, Charlie arrived about this time.

After picking up the car at Charlie, we were given directions on how to get to our hotel…the Dorado Hyatt. Unfortunately the not so bright people at Charlie gave us directions to the wrong Hyatt and we ended up in Old San Juan. Which we wanted to see…just not at that point in time. After driving in circles for an hour and my companion not listening to me and making the same mistakes repeatedly, I finally asked if I could drive.

A kind soul had earlier told us to follow the signs to Bayamon. So this is what I did and after 30-40 minutes of driving, we found the area we were supposed to be in and my co-pilot was able to guide us in the rest of the way to the hotel.

A note about roads and signs in Puerto Rico…

Puerto Rican roads are in very poor condition. Seriously…I think the roads in Russia were in better condition. You wonder why the speed limits are so low? It is because if you are doing over 35mph on the highways and hit one of the many potholes only slightly smaller in size than the crater left by the Tungaska meteor than you are fucked!

Another interesting note is about all road signs in Puerto Rico. They either:

1) Do not Exist

or

2) Dane (who sucks) Cook has a monologue about signs being covered by plants from the Cretaceous Era. Apparently he has been to Puerto Rico. Jesus Christ…you had to be within 10 feet of a sign to know it was a sign and then 2 feet away before you can read it. For the love of God…get some road crews out there people!

That being said, an interesting fact is that distance in Puerto Rico is measured in KM but the Speed Limit is MPH. A bit rough for math deficient people such as myself. Typical conversation in my head while driving…”ok we are 47KM from Dorado and we are going 60MPH so we should be there in…uh…ah…oh fuck this.”

It should be noted that Puerto Rican drivers are some of the nicest drivers I’ve ever seen. I never heard any horns in anger or frustration and people always let people get over or cut in at intersections. Apart from feeling like a rally driver in the rented Kia while dodging pot holes, the driving in Puerto Rico was wonderful.

That evening we dined at a restaurant near our hotel called La Terrazza where I experienced a wonderful local dish called Mofongo. I’m not certain how to describe it, but it was fantastic…highly recommended!

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