I believe it would be fair to say that the last year has been the greatest time of personal growth in my young life. I’ve learned to communicate, I’ve learned to love, and I feel as if I’ve become a better person in general. Unfortunately that makes it even tougher when you make a choice to be hurtful, no matter how justified you may feel, due to the belief in your progress.

Friends are generally amused at the dual natured personality I seem to have. Some things are silly…I hate seafood, but I love sushi. Others are deeper, such as I make a conscious effort not to kill living creatures (with the exception of spiders), yet I spent a number of years basically learning how to destroy a human being through jujitsu, kickboxing, judo, muay thai, etc.

One of the lessons I’ve learned is that when you give and receive love from someone, you are giving someone the ability to hurt you and they in turn are giving you the chance to do the same. Love is what makes you trust the other person not to do this and if this trust is abused slightly, to be able to forgive them.

One of the favorite parts of my life is that I have remained friends with just about every girl I have ever dated. Some I talk to once a year, others every month or two, and some are in my life on a weekly basis. Some of these women know me very well and I trust their feedback and advice in my every day life. Some I did hurt when they loved me and I still feel very fortunate that they were a better person than I, forgave, and still are here.

This past week, someone I once loved very much, contacted me after I had asked them not to do so. I had hoped that with enough time, to heal the wounds, that we would become friends once again. All I asked was for her to stay out of my life for now. She had apparently spent a great deal of time as of late thinking about our situation and had sent me a text to apologize. I became frustrated as I thought closure over this was done and in the past and did not understand why my peace had been interrupted.

This led to a number of emails that eventually devolved into one of the most hurtful messages I have ever sent someone. While everything I said had a great deal of truth, if not absolute truth in it, it was one of those times when you know how much pain you are about to cause someone…yet you do it anyways. At the moment you send a letter or email such as this, there is a brief release. Where all of the emotion and frustration that you put into words passes out of your body. Unfortunately, this void is rapidly filled with regret.

I could have stopped well before the situation escalated this far. I could have chosen not to react despite having one of my core beliefs assaulted…but I did not. I have the permanent closure I wanted now, but not the peace. It saddens me to realize how far I have come, but how far I still must go.
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